AYAHUASCA

You may or may not have heard about Ayahuasca. It’s a medicine originating in the Amazon rainforest. For centuries indigenous tribes and communities have used it for a number of reasons. The plant is a combination of vine and leaf containing DMT and MAOI.

DMT is the active ingredient and it’s found in all living things including you.  MAOI is an inhibitor that allows the DMT to be absorbed into the body. All very scientific so far and although the brew has been used to cure depression, trauma, addiction and a number of other mental illnesses – our reasons for finding Ayahuasca were of the spiritual kind.

We first read about it in a book called Wild, by Jay Griffiths. During her experiences she discovered the very nature of the world around us and what holds it together. Ayahuasca is said to be a healer and a teacher. It’s a way for us to understand more about the universe and ourselves. We wanted to learn more.

It is not a recreational drug or something you take for a good time. It is serious stuff and should always be consumed as part of a ceremony with a shaman or spirit guide. Some experiences may be painful and/or traumatic. It all depends on the person and every time is different. Nearly all-first timers will experience chronic nausea and diarrhea. You must respect it.

After all that had happened back in Mexico we were unable to get to Peru but fate dealt us another card, a Peruvian shaman in Costa Rica that conducted regular ceremonies. Kuyay lived with her husband, Howard, on their organic farm with their three children (three of the happiest kids we have ever met).

Upon arrival they asked us some questions before Howard gave us a tour of the farm. He filled us in on what to expect:

“Everyone is different. Some people feel nothing after three cups, others have one cup and go off all night. Some people relive traumas they’ve forced their memories to forget. Some have extreme visions and visit other realms. The important thing is to have no expectations. It will give you what you need, not what you want. You might have more DMT (points at Neil) you may have less (points at Fi). Who knows, it’s 50% the person and 50% the plant. We’re not in control, we’re here to facilitate.”

Kuyay mentioned that people sometimes beg for it to stop or ask for the hospital. No, she says – she can guide you but only the individual can walk through the experience. Once you drink, you have made that decision.

We felt comfortable. The ceremony would have just five people and Kuyay was a native of Peru. Generations of her family had worked with Ayahuasca and her parents had blessed the room. We felt we were in safe hands.

Here, we'll attempt to explain as best we can:

Neil’s account

We sat in the room and waited, relaxing and covering ourselves with blankets to keep warm.

Kuyay began the ceremony with a version of Pachabel's Canon playing on the stereo. One by one we went up to receive the Ayahuasca and went back to lie down.

Kuyay then came round and blew the tobacco smoke over us, our chest, our face, our forehead whilst reciting an incantation. Then a small amount of honey was placed on our tongue and finally a balm covered my face.

I lay back and closed my eyes waiting to see what would happen. After a short time I felt the pulsing in my body. My lips and my hands were moving. The pulse in my body was strong. My senses heightened, I could hear the main road and coyotes howling in the distance.

An overwhelming sensation of love and calm came over me as tears rolled down my cheeks. I thought of my family and Fiona’s family and imagined hugging them with all the love I could muster. It then spread to other family members, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. Next were friends, colleagues and people from my past. Then came strangers, animals, life - until it was pulsing through everything.

It subsided, the message was clear. Love harder, love with everything you have. It is the most powerful thing we possess and nothing can stop it.

I slipped back into dreams and awoke again. The candlelight from the toilet was dancing. My body was changing. I was losing the feeling in my hands and legs. I was being pulled from my body and falling back in. The music had changed and I felt the presence of my gone but not forgotten grandmother, Muriel Kirwan. She smiled a smile that only she could smile. Her spirit of adventure was alive and kicking and she was there. She had always been there. Wherever this was taking me, she was there.

The music changed and the walls moved into each other. All around me was black. I could no longer feel the mattress I was lying on. The eyes came out of the darkness, bright yellow. Wolf eyes. In the distance a wolf was stalking and watching. A bright electric white it moved between trees of the same colour.

It disappeared. I became aware of the music again and it took complete control of me.

My hands started to caress my face and my legs danced. The blackness was all around me, filled with swirls, geometric patterns and stars. My hands became vines that cradled me. I rocked through galaxies and different dimensions. My hands danced reaching for more. I felt an overwhelming sense to laugh. A spirit was filling me and it was playful. It made me laugh against my will (I didn’t want to disturb the group) but two other people began to laugh with me. They felt it too. I looked and their spirits were with me. It was a laughter more honest and pure than I have ever felt. I danced and the laughter took me until I faded back into unconsciousness.

She was there, the spirit vine had started to talk to me. She told me it was alright. She took me back through my life from that precise moment to my childhood. She showed me the good and the bad. It was all part of the plan. The universe was unfolding as it should with it’s tendency towards complexity and evolution towards the end goal. The good, the bad, the suffering, the happiness was all part of it, all necessary. We were all connected, all part of the same universe and connected by the same particles that came from the stars at the beginning of time. That was what I understood though nothing was said.

I said sorry, sorry for the wrongs I had done. The pain I had caused others. I felt it all at once. I didn’t mean it I said, I was sorry a thousand times over. It was ok, she slowed it down, she gave me the answers I needed. It was all going to be OK. In the end there will be just peace. The peace brought me back.

My insides convulsed and I walked to the toilet. The ground was moving and disappearing beneath my feet but the light guided me. I purged. Sick, diarrhea, it flowed from me like a black ooze. It was real but not real and it flowed and flowed. The room throbbed and pulsed around me and I returned to my mattress.

‘I told you, we were right all along.’ I said to Fiona as I rolled on my side. She hadn’t been with me in the spirit world but I knew she could feel something.

The shaman, Kuyay, sat me up and told me to drink more. She had changed from a young woman to a gray haired woman that looked 100 years old. I later found out this was the grandmother spirit of Ayahuasca. She had come to guide me. My journey was not over and I drank again. Hold it inside you she said. Bien. Good, good.

I went deeper. The room connected. Everything connected and the visions came. I turned to look at Fiona. She smiled. A jaguar head of electric blue surrounded her head.

Songs came into my head. All you need is love, The Beatles. And oddly, very oddly -  the Playbus theme tune from my childhood. As usual, we stopped at the Y bird stop.

I became an animal, I smelt like and animal, I could feel my fur and licked and gnawed at my paws.

Ayahuasca took me. Fast at first until my body and mind became afraid. “It’s OK" she said, “let go.”

I trusted and I let go. My mind became hers and I had no control over thoughts. I went around the world and spoke to family, friends and strangers.  I had a desperate urge to reach out to them. I saw things, strangers, landscapes, jungles.  It is all happening as it should, so be at peace and love harder. We continued on the journey and I felt lost.

“Despacio.” (slowly) I cried not knowing why I used Spanish and she slowed down for me. “You made this choice” she said.

“You made a deal with me. Now I must show you.”

And she did, for what seemed like an eternity I went with her. I never thought it would end. I knew it would eventually at times but part of me felt my life on earth was over and that this timeless, infinite space was where I would stay. I was floating through the universe and she wasn’t about to take me back. It became scary again but she comforted me and let me float back.

“Thank you.” I repeated over and over again.

Slowly, reality began to take over. My mattress and body came back to me.

I floated in and out for a while. Every time I tried to leave she pulled me back and made me promise that I would return. I gave my word that I would.

I went to the toilet and purged again. This time the building around me was solid and reality was back. I walked outside and the stars were closer and brighter than I’d ever seen them before in my life. I woke Fiona and she joined me outside. It was 3am and it had ended six hours later. I slept until sunrise and woke in a state of peaceful disbelief.

My world had changed for the better. I pray that it lasts until the day I return to meet her.

Fiona’s account

We arrived early so that we could just relax for the night, but found out that there was a small ceremony taking place that evening. We hadn’t eaten too much that day and had been sticking to a pretty much clean diet as prescribed for the past week (apart from the German Bakery incident) so Howard thought we would be okay.

I had been practicing some Yoga breathing that Tex had taught us to try and relax, but I still had a feeling of tension below my diaphragm. As the ceremony started I drank a cup of the dark thick liquid, it tasted like nothing I had had before – bitter, coffee, chocolate, Bovril.

I laid back down and dozed to try and relax, but my mind was in overdrive thinking too much about what was going to happen but after a while I slipped into a dream like state. I was with people I didn’t know but everyone and everything around me was vibrating. I couldn’t walk properly and was the only person that could see the vibrations. I could feel the electricity moving through my skin, making me shiver and tingle. I became conscious of the room again and could hear Neil laughing. I opened my eyes and could see his face glowing with happiness, his arms were extended and reaching skywards, dancing and moving.

I began to think, why isn’t that happening to me and then the feeling of sickness overwhelmed me and I threw up into the jug Kuyay had given us. A lot more came out than went in and I felt the relief of being purged and cleansed. A short while after I had the second cup of medicine and once again fell back into dream land, this time I was amidst nature. I was ever changing from water to a vine to an animal, but all that I touched and moved through came to life in a wild riot of colour. I felt like I was looking for something but then the trip ended with me throwing up again fairly soon after having the second cup.

I knew then that the Ayahausca had left me. I listened to Neil talking to her and stroked his hand to let him know I was there still and he was not lost. We went outside later and the stars felt like they were on top of us. He was so overwhelmed with happiness and peace however I felt like I hadn’t got the experience I had hoped for somehow.

I woke the next day feeling a little disappointed with myself. The realization that I had wasted this amazing gift made me ask the question – why? I had allowed my inner fear to take over, to try and control the situation. I wanted to have a magical time but didn’t want to face my fears or the truth of whatever was to unfold. I hadn’t fully trusted in her and let myself go, I also felt a sense of responsibility for Neil who was lying next to me. That feeling of when you are at a party and a friend is so drunk that you sober up and can’t get drunk for the rest of the night.

I explained how I felt to Howard and Kuyay, that I had been searching for something but couldn’t find it. Howard said that a number of people feel they are unfinished after their first time but only I would know inside if and when I was ready to go back.

I took the rest of the day to relax and think about what had happened to decipher the things I felt and was shown. It came to me. I was looking for me and I wanted to take part in the ceremony that night. They had never had someone do a ceremony two nights in a row, but Howard said I needed to do what I needed to do, they couldn’t tell me what was right or wrong.

I felt really comfortable with my decision and my whole perspective changed which helped with the preparation this time round. I got chatting to one of the other guys who was doing it too, Chris, we laughed, joked and shared our deepest secrets. Ayahuasca has that effect on you, you only want to deal in truths. I gave Neil a kiss and he told me to trust it completely, I knew he was right.

As I laid down, I thought to myself, this is about me and my journey. I wanted to find my fear, face it and get rid of it. I wanted to know why I had it and why I let it control me, making me feel unconfident and unsure of myself. The energy in the room was different, I was warm and felt unbelievably happy and lucky. I took the medicine and Kuyay whispered to me, “keep it inside, keep it inside for a long time even if you feel sick push that feeling away.”

With the room in darkness, I stroked my tummy imagining the Ayahuasca travelling through my body. I told her I was ready, that I trusted her to show me the way and would give myself to her completely. As I looked up to the ceiling, I could see swirls of white smoke, like small clouds dancing and changing shapes to the music. I stretched out my arms with a huge smile on my face and relaxed waiting for what ever was to come.

The rest of the experience is difficult for me to describe and to do it full justice. It was very different to Neil’s and gave me feelings that I can’t put into words. So this is just a flavour of what ensued.

My feet and toes began to twitch, with the uncontrollable urge to move them, so I did, to the beat of the music. This urge then started to move up my body as I started to dance and wriggle about on my mattress with my body feeling like it was plugged into the mains.

Kuyay came to me and gave me another cup of medicine, “remember, hold it deep inside you.” I started to see florescent lights and geometric shapes in the sky, pulsating as I just let my body do what it wanted. The Ayahausca didn’t take me completely, she was saying to me “now are you sure you want this, you are going to have to put your trust in me and let go of your fear”, “yes I said, I’m ready this time. I sorry I didn’t trust you last night.” “Good she said, but you are going to have to keep up with me or you will lose me.”

As I was dancing on my back and letting the music wash over me I became aware that the ceiling was transforming, first into yellow wolf eyes and then into a crazy coloured animated like jungle scene that looked like it had been drawn. In the trees was a jaguar watching me dance and smiling, he dropped his paw down towards me and told me to reach out for it as he was going to help pull me up into his world. I lifted my arm and held out to touch him.

I started to move more and had an intense feeling of absolute bliss and joy as I began to wiggle my hips and bum and then my shoulder blades onto the mattress. I was a dog or a wolf with a big shaggy coat laying on my back and rubbing myself all over the soft grass. I could feel my fur and the folds of skins and the thought that came into my mind was – love the skin that you are in. She was making me feel so, so happy and content with who I am, telling me I am who I am and be confident with that knowledge. I had the most powerful feeling that I was lost on a psychedelic cartoon like tunnel and wanted to be sick but I fought it and took control of it, keeping the medicine inside me. It was the most exquisite battle. 

After what felt like an eternity, I felt the fear in me start moving up in a tight black ball as it got to me chest I knew it was time to puke it right out. As I was being sick, I had a huge sense of relief. Kuyay was stood watching over me, but it wasn’t her face looking down, it was an old lady with white hair – the grandmother spirit. She nodded to me and I nodded back. I lay back down, on my side like a dog, nuzzling into my pillow saying thank you. Content and happy ready to be submerged into a dream world.

I can’t really remember beyond that point other than hearing the experiences of the others in the room – sobbing, screaming, shouting, singing, until it got to around 12.30 and I knew my journey was finished but also that my friendship with Ayahausca had just begun. Neil was sleeping in the house, so I wrapped a blanket around me and went to join him in bed, I couldn’t wait to tell him that I had got the answers I was looking for. So I whispered my story to him as he held me very tight. I could feel his happiness for me radiate from him. 

With Kuyay and Isaiah

(NK) The words here still miss what really happened and I don’t know if it will ever be possible for us to fully explain our experience. I know I have an understanding now that I can’t even put into words.

From arrival at the farm I had constant feelings of Déjà Vu. On the second night while I slept and listened to the screams and shouts from the ceremonial room outside I felt the energy. The dogs too started to bark and growl like crazy while the spirits gathered. Some of the people had experienced some darkness and I think this is why the dogs reacted so vehemently.

How was Ayahuasca discovered? Legend says that the plants spoke to the people and told them what to do. It is a natural portal. DMT is in you and leaves you when you die. It is held in your pineal gland or third eye. By increasing the amount in your body you can see deeper into yourself and the unseen world around you.

The first Christian missionaries dismissed it as the work of the devil due to the trance like states it induces. I won’t go into my feelings on organized religion as I don’t wish to offend but the irony of this is amusing.

Some people may want to judge Ayahuasca and dismiss it as a type of drug. It’s a pejorative term for such a special medicine but no matter. We now understand the significance of this plant and the role it could play in healing our society and pushing forward its evolution.

We, you – Gates, Obama – whoever? We’re not in charge here; our arrogance of assumed control is misplaced. We do have power -The power to change ourselves, the power to love and help others. Beyond that, the universe will decide and we must trust it.